Hello... from this side!

I can't believe i've found this again.

I started this page SIX YEARS AGO...

...SIX! YEARS!

 How amazingly incredible to be able to peep into my past. Although having said that I feel compelled to tell you I don't have the gall to look. I skimmed through a few old posts, but I can't stomach reading about 17 year old me and my pain and torture and broken hearts.

Geez... I mean, get a grip.

I now feel like I have grown into a mature and sophisticated woman. I have a job! I have a flat! I have a licence (no car yet...but we are getting there), but mostly, I am proud to tell 17 year old me that I have found myself a man.

I have blossomed into a mature, sophisticated, high flying, flat owning, man having, kick-ass, career woman!

Who... er... incidentally just spent the last night sleeping alone in her childhood bed with a Sophie Kinsella book after the 500th bloody row of the year.

Maybe not so much has changed after all...

Halfway through writing this, I mustered up the courage to go through the unpublished section of this blog, thinking it takes the edge off if I haven't shown these posts to anyone yet.

God almighty it did not.

Although there are a fair share of embarrassing bold statements undoubtedly made in a moment of unwavering strength and courage enforced by my speedy typing, I can still see little old me peeping through.

Here is one rant I almost posted about it not being summer yet... (I think that was my point)

'And although I'm sitting in my yard having my evening smoke (I still do that!! The noun yard in this situation pronounced: Balcony) and shivering because its not actually summer yet, I wonder what this summer holds. Not just for me, but for everyone; summer is everyone's realm of possibilities. Its the place people go to when they want to dream. When you think of paradise, its never a rainy February day. (It was a rainy February day today. Coincidence?) Everyone hates those, getting your shoes wet and running around with soggy socks all day and having rain hair. (Still me!! Still me!!) Its not the ideal. To say the least.'

Im still not sure what my point was, and I think I figured that out for myself, especially since I go on about saying how much of a party summer is here and how drunken we all get.(Gosh... I do love 17 year old me)

Maybe I haven't changed so much after all... Maybe I am not done with being a reckless, dramatic, moody 17 year old yet... God knows I still try and fit in to the shorts!

-N.H x

Meh...

Admittedly I haven't been the best blogger in history, but I have tended to leave this little shin-dig for my lesser proud moments. Call me a whiner - you'd be completely right. I have actually just spent a not-so-prefect Thursday evening 'thinking' - and we all know how dangerous that can be...my topic-at-hand today is dreams... I am not quite the avid Freudian thinker (despite the impending Psychology degree; but thats another post worth of whining in itself) so I don't actually mean subconscious dreams; I mean the actual wonderful husband, great career, amazing social life, white picket fence, two kids kinda dream.

What happens if you're me = two thirds through an admittedly useless hipster degree and you wake up one morning and decide that this isn't what you want... you have no bloody clue what it is you actually want, but this life is definitely NOT it! Admittedly I don't currently have the perfect life to nurture a successful future in that or any industry... crumbling parental relationships, less-than-perfect living conditions, flat broke and generally depressed, I have no actual reason to get out of bed in the morning, let alone get dressed and make my way to an insanely overpopulated school with 80 other overexcited students that make me want to vom... and punch them in the face... simultaneously.

Really and truly the one thing I actually want is to pack a bag and run away to a foreign country where no one so much as knows my name - it is THE dream. Unfortunately there is one little fly in the metaphorical ointment... a romance. Whereas a year or two ago running away and starting a whole new life would have been the perfect option - I now have someone to leave behind, and as much as I wished and hoped for this to be just a fling, despite all the circumstances, it most certainly is not.  Its the kind of head over heels disgusting love that you hear about in the movies, or from that 'friend' you no longer like because she spends all her time with her boyfriend... yes people, I have become the thing I hated the most... and I love it!!

However, despite amazing man with whom I am slowly building a half decent life, there are still colleges to finish and jobs to find, and while that happens there are certainly some fireworks (and not the pretty kind), tempers are flaring and words are being spoken, the latest which was actually tonight, about twenty minutes ago in fact - which brings me back to here. Talking to myself on an unread blog wondering will I ever really be happy here? Will I ever resent him for making me stay? Will I regret it if I leave? The wanderlust in me is quieted by the girlfriend in me.

I haven't the guts to live my life without him, I definitely don't want to leave enough to leave without him, and he definitely won't be coming anywhere with me, not for now at least. So here I am, with a crappy job, a crappy house, and a crappy life but one perfect relationship that makes everything else worth while. The only thing about that is, what about me? Will I ever realise my dreams? What if I do realise them and then realise that I don't actually have the same dreams anymore... God knows I wish I was one of those people who grew up dreaming to be someone or something... but I kind of just grew up trying to cope with life, with myself and most of all with my brain - who seems to be on a constant mission to try and screw me over. Damn you brain! Whilst all of this coping and fighting was happening, I was just kind of at school - getting by, not really loving it and not really giving a crap but just doing it anyways - and then I wake up and realise that school is just NOT my thing, at all. I don't want to be a listless housewife for the rest of my days, I want to be successful, I want to be great at something... anything.


The problem is... what?

-N.H x

The Ninth Year

To my dearest angel,

Today marks the ninth year of your new life. The ninth year since you became my guardian and protector. The amulet beside my heart. The unseen cloak of protection.  I would give up all the riches and wealth in the world if only it meant I could see you one last time. If only it meant you could hold me, like only a mother can hold her child. I sit here, tears streaming down my face wondering what if? What if you hadn't had to leave? What if you could have stayed with me, helped me through my hard times. Would I have made you proud? Have I made you proud?  I wish you were here longer. Long enough to teach me how you brighten up the room on even your darkest days, to teach me how you love until it hurts so much, that there is no longer any hurt left to feel, only love. 

No words can describe how much it hurts not to have you near me, and I wouldn't wish such a distressing loss on my worst enemy. Today nine years ago was the first time I mustered up the courage to come and visit you in hospital, and today nine years ago was the last time I was to cross paths with my birth mother. The image of you sitting on a blue leather arm chair, sick, dying, emaciated, yellow - but strong, even in the face of all adversity will burn in my mind forever. You were, are and always will be the strongest person I know, my hero - everything that I am or hope to become I owe to you. I was so lucky to have a mother like you, even if for a short while. You never gave up on me, even before I was born you fought for me, you risked your life so you could have me, and against all odds - here I am nineteen years later writing you this letter, hoping that someway or somehow you will read it. 

You are the most incredible and inspiring woman I have ever met and I owe you everything! I love you with all my heart and I miss you with every fibre of my being. You are and always will be my angel.

Infinite love and prayers coming your way - wherever you are! 

Your daughter.

-N.H x

Though nothing will keep us together, we could steal time just for one day., We can be heroes for ever and ever

People are the sum of all their past experiences. Every pain, every joke, every failure, every triumph. You are what you have done, where you have been and what you have seen and heard, smelt, felt, tasted.

That is my mantra. That's what I believe, and that's what keeps me living the way I do every day. 

I don't want to be sitting on my death bed, an open book full of blank pages, and a lifetime of regrets underneath my bed. I want to be full of joy and stories. I want to think back to being a blissfully ignorant teenage dirt bag, full of mistakes and short-lived regrets. The regrets that you have from the things you did,last until tomorrow, but the regret you have for the things you didn't do will last you a lifetime.

I want to listen to good music, I want to burst into random dancing, I want to laugh to hard my cheeks hurt - I want to go so fast that i'd think time would have stopped. I want to go so slow that I can watch the rest of the world hurry past for a few seconds. I want to have interesting conversations and talk about books and movies. Because the creative product of other people's experience is always a good topic of conversation.

There are so many things that I want to do, just so I can wake up everyday and be my own reason for making it through the day, I want to learn how to love myself before I fall in love with someone else. I want to learn who I am before I try teach someone else. I want to know me and love me, so that others can know me and love me too.

In the end it all winds down to wanting to be happy, but it's been said that happiness isn't a destination... it's a journey. So hold on tight, and enjoy the ride ;)

-N.H x

Say it for me, say it to me and i'll leave this life behind me.

My last post was over a month ago, and unfortunately, I had what seemed to be a bit of a writers block. My dashboard is hoarded with drafts and ideas that I need to throw out or recycle, but alas, tonight i'm back... and I want to rant and rave about the insidious effect that cravings have on the spirit...

I am not going to generalize. I am not in anyway talking about that trivial craving one has for a chocolate bar, or for a cigarette. I'm talking about real, gut wrenching cravings. Sexual cravings, cravings for desire, passion, life. That is what people are most deprived of nowadays, that is what people need.

I am the first of my friends to find myself easily lulled into the monotony of a normal day, and I think to myself everyday as I wake up that I need to do at least one thing a day that scares me, it keeps the heart healthy. But that's about as far as my motivation goes, until i'm 5 minutes late to class and use the teachers lift instead of taking the stairs, or smoke my in between lesson cigarette inside the basement as opposed to the parking lot, and there it goes, the largest amount of adrenaline I'll manage to muster up for that day, if not that week.
But that's not what I want. That's not how i'm going to live my life, and ill be damned if i'm the person who brings me down. (N.B. this is a self motivating post, so I may comment to my alter ego every once in a while, bear with me.)

I want to be the kind of girl who has that spark in her eyes, that flint of spontaneity. I want to have sex in bathrooms, on desks, in elevators, in libraries. I want to try new things, drugs, parties, clubs. I want to stuff a whole packet of cigarettes in my mouth and light them at once, and smoke them at once. I want to be in concerts, I want to dance and feel music, I want to cry with joy, I want to be in danger. Out of my comfort zone. I want to be naked in different countries, I want to feel cold, slowly making its way up my spine, i want to swim in freezing cold oceans and surf and climb and jump. I want to write. I want to travel, I want to feel, to live, I want to be the girl who can look back on her life and wander, not wonder. I want to think about my youth and remember what I've done, the laws I've defied, the rules I've broken. I want to let nothing stand in my way.

I want to have glorious orgasms. I want to have that feeling where you forget all your problems, like when you're on a cliff and you imagine yourself jumping off and landing in the sea, that feeling of freedom, of letting go of worries and troubles, I want to escape. Not from heartbreak, or pain, because those are things that shape you, things that teach you, I want to escape from all the things that hold me back, I want to leave all my fears behind. Everyone has an ideal self, someone that they spend their whole life working toward being, some people dream of being rich, famous, smart, successful, healthy. I dream of being free. This is what I crave for everyday, adventure, risk. Its harder then it seems unfortunately, it takes effort to leave your comfort zone, but when you do it's worth it.

I leave you with a little piece of advice. Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words. Never let anyone get in your way.

...with this, I bid you adieu. :)
Keep on keepin' on :)

-N.H x

What's worth the price is always worth the fight.

I don't know how people say that life is short. Life is the longest damn thing you will ever do. The shitty thing about it is that one day, your might just realize that the better part of your life is over, and you haven't done anything to make it even remotely interesting. So it goes without saying that one should create a bucket list. Either as motivation to do all the things they want to do, or a detrimental reminder that they were too pedestrian to get off their arse and make the effort to go against the grain.

I choose the former, not only because i'm still barely 18, but because I refuse to let myself become an epitome of regret, turned sour because I cannot bear the thought of not having done at least one thing abnormal in my whole long bitter life. And because knowing me, and the indecisiveness that comes with the package, I am pledging to you that by the end of my life, I will have done ALL the things on this list. However crazy, outlawed and no matter how illicit such lists are considered. 

I am of course joking, my list is about as unexciting as randomly walking into a class and realized you have a pop quiz.

Whatever, My list changes everyday and new things are added and removed quite frequently, so i'll just post the most important ones.

1. Get a tattoo.
2. Own a walk in closet - and have a nap in it.
3. Make a sex tape.
4. Spin a globe, point my finger at a random country with my eyes closed - and travel to wherever it lands.
5. Learn how to surf.
6. Go on a road trip.
7. Work in a cafe in Amsterdam.
8. Own a pair of Louboutins 
9. Live in California.
10. Learn  how to roll a joint.
11. Live in New York.
12. Hug a monkey.
13. Spend a week taking photos with a Polaroid camera.
14. Skydive , Bungee Jump, Para glide (etc.)
15. Date someone with dreads. 
16. Crowd surf.
17. Bake hash brownies.
18. Spend a whole day naked with a hot guy at your side.
19. Eat a macaroon.
20. Be in a flash mob.
21. Try on a Vera Wang wedding dress.
22. Make out in a library.
23. Ride on a motorcycle.
24. Swim with sharks.
25. Stretch my earrings..
26. Skinny Dip
27. Eat a Krabby Patty.
28. Stand underneath a waterfall.
29. Try an Afghan.
30. Ride an elephant.
31. Have sex while trapped in an elevator.
32. Find love.

...It's quite ridiculous but I find most of these things thoroughly amusing.

-N.H x

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullaby's. Choking on your alibis. But it's just a price I pay. Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes.

Im not a mushy type of girl. Im sure you realized, i don't give a flying kite about other people's feelings, and I much less care for mine, so it's a rare occasion to see me post about such ludicrous matters, but what happened to me these past few days are by far more melodramatic than the time Kris Humphries pushed Kim Kardashian into the Tahitian seas and she dropped a $75,000 diamond earring.

yes, that bad.

I don't even know how this started, and I don't even want to go into it, because I've decided to be considerate in this blog, so i'm going to make this generic. What I really want to romp and rage about is love.
I'm not even joking. I never thought something so threadbare and adage could come out of my mouth... or fingers, whatever. I just never realized how you could feel something so intense for a person, how you can give them the ability to rip you open, and get inside you. Walk the halls of your dark and twisted mind with you, feel your pain, wear the weight of your world on their shoulders with you, and then just leave.

I've heard a million times how love is giving someone the ability to break your heart, and trusting them not to.  But they forgot to mention what happens after love, after people master the ability, and lose the feeling, the intensity. So that all you're left with is a person , who knows you inside out and who has the abominable power to destroy you - and the motive to.

How can someone walk into your life, love you and leave you? How can someone have the heart to know what breaks you, and use it against you. A person you trusted with your whole heart and soul - someone you gave yourself to, not physically - but emotionally... how can this person even muster up the courage to assault, bash, beat and bruise you so viciously, so irreparably, that you're left to pick up the shattered pieces of your psyche and find the inner strength to start to glue them together piece by broken piece. So that maybe, in  time, when the hurt begins to heal, and seeing him doesn't want to make you torpedo his face with your bare fist...maybe, you might begin to look for love again.


I'm slowly starting to learn how there are two sides to every person. The same person that shouts your name with such fervor and enthusiasm one day, will be the person shooting daggers at you with his eyes the next. And the godawful feeling you get when you realize that it is with those same eyes that this person got to look at you and know you in such depth and such profundity that you never thought anything bad could happen to you, when you were still headstrong about your relationship. How can you walk past this person, the same person you bore your naked soul to, and act like nothing ever happened? Its unnatural.

It seems alien to me, the concept of love. Even though I've felt it, I don't know what it is. I can define it, I can use all the long words in the dictionary - but it's about as useful as trying to fit the ocean in a glass. Love is such a vast term that you can't find an all-encompassing definition to fit everyone. You have your own love, just as I have mine. People have looked far and wide for the meaning of love, it's the one thing on everyone's bucket list. It's such a mystical and cryptic emotion that you will spend your whole life looking for it, and most people never actually find love. They're just so scared to admit to themselves the possibility of having lived a life without love, that they almost always settle for second best. People almost always deserve more. Which is why it is so precious and rare when you do find love in a person, the hurtful, painful, exciting, impassioned love. You would think that when you find such a thing, you would hold on to it with all your might. You would put all your power and invest all your energy into that love, and you would never stop loving. So it is even more perplexing to me, when people, and by people of course I mean me, find that love that everyone hunts so desperately for, and you let it slowly slip through your fingers, like it was the easiest thing it the world for you.

Love isn't about giving people the ability to hurt you, it isn't about letting people get to know you, and it isn't about trusting people. Love is when this person who you know and trust will hurt you, so deeply and so unimaginably so that you feel like a wave just washed over you and swept you away and you're being forced underwater and the air is escaping out of your lungs -and you're losing consciousness, you're drowning in all the pain he caused you, you feel numb to everything else, and although you know you should fight harder to get to the surface, you don't seem to want to, for fear of losing him. When you are hurt, tormented and shattered so badly, but at the end, you still try and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and brace yourself for more pain. Because you just don't want to live without that person in your life, because you can't imagine him not in your life.

THAT is what love is- going back to the person you love over and over and over, even when you can't breathe, or take the pain anymore, even when he's taken all of you, you still love him.

Love is unconditional.

-N.H x