Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullaby's. Choking on your alibis. But it's just a price I pay. Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes.

Im not a mushy type of girl. Im sure you realized, i don't give a flying kite about other people's feelings, and I much less care for mine, so it's a rare occasion to see me post about such ludicrous matters, but what happened to me these past few days are by far more melodramatic than the time Kris Humphries pushed Kim Kardashian into the Tahitian seas and she dropped a $75,000 diamond earring.

yes, that bad.

I don't even know how this started, and I don't even want to go into it, because I've decided to be considerate in this blog, so i'm going to make this generic. What I really want to romp and rage about is love.
I'm not even joking. I never thought something so threadbare and adage could come out of my mouth... or fingers, whatever. I just never realized how you could feel something so intense for a person, how you can give them the ability to rip you open, and get inside you. Walk the halls of your dark and twisted mind with you, feel your pain, wear the weight of your world on their shoulders with you, and then just leave.

I've heard a million times how love is giving someone the ability to break your heart, and trusting them not to.  But they forgot to mention what happens after love, after people master the ability, and lose the feeling, the intensity. So that all you're left with is a person , who knows you inside out and who has the abominable power to destroy you - and the motive to.

How can someone walk into your life, love you and leave you? How can someone have the heart to know what breaks you, and use it against you. A person you trusted with your whole heart and soul - someone you gave yourself to, not physically - but emotionally... how can this person even muster up the courage to assault, bash, beat and bruise you so viciously, so irreparably, that you're left to pick up the shattered pieces of your psyche and find the inner strength to start to glue them together piece by broken piece. So that maybe, in  time, when the hurt begins to heal, and seeing him doesn't want to make you torpedo his face with your bare fist...maybe, you might begin to look for love again.


I'm slowly starting to learn how there are two sides to every person. The same person that shouts your name with such fervor and enthusiasm one day, will be the person shooting daggers at you with his eyes the next. And the godawful feeling you get when you realize that it is with those same eyes that this person got to look at you and know you in such depth and such profundity that you never thought anything bad could happen to you, when you were still headstrong about your relationship. How can you walk past this person, the same person you bore your naked soul to, and act like nothing ever happened? Its unnatural.

It seems alien to me, the concept of love. Even though I've felt it, I don't know what it is. I can define it, I can use all the long words in the dictionary - but it's about as useful as trying to fit the ocean in a glass. Love is such a vast term that you can't find an all-encompassing definition to fit everyone. You have your own love, just as I have mine. People have looked far and wide for the meaning of love, it's the one thing on everyone's bucket list. It's such a mystical and cryptic emotion that you will spend your whole life looking for it, and most people never actually find love. They're just so scared to admit to themselves the possibility of having lived a life without love, that they almost always settle for second best. People almost always deserve more. Which is why it is so precious and rare when you do find love in a person, the hurtful, painful, exciting, impassioned love. You would think that when you find such a thing, you would hold on to it with all your might. You would put all your power and invest all your energy into that love, and you would never stop loving. So it is even more perplexing to me, when people, and by people of course I mean me, find that love that everyone hunts so desperately for, and you let it slowly slip through your fingers, like it was the easiest thing it the world for you.

Love isn't about giving people the ability to hurt you, it isn't about letting people get to know you, and it isn't about trusting people. Love is when this person who you know and trust will hurt you, so deeply and so unimaginably so that you feel like a wave just washed over you and swept you away and you're being forced underwater and the air is escaping out of your lungs -and you're losing consciousness, you're drowning in all the pain he caused you, you feel numb to everything else, and although you know you should fight harder to get to the surface, you don't seem to want to, for fear of losing him. When you are hurt, tormented and shattered so badly, but at the end, you still try and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and brace yourself for more pain. Because you just don't want to live without that person in your life, because you can't imagine him not in your life.

THAT is what love is- going back to the person you love over and over and over, even when you can't breathe, or take the pain anymore, even when he's taken all of you, you still love him.

Love is unconditional.

-N.H x