Meh...

Admittedly I haven't been the best blogger in history, but I have tended to leave this little shin-dig for my lesser proud moments. Call me a whiner - you'd be completely right. I have actually just spent a not-so-prefect Thursday evening 'thinking' - and we all know how dangerous that can be...my topic-at-hand today is dreams... I am not quite the avid Freudian thinker (despite the impending Psychology degree; but thats another post worth of whining in itself) so I don't actually mean subconscious dreams; I mean the actual wonderful husband, great career, amazing social life, white picket fence, two kids kinda dream.

What happens if you're me = two thirds through an admittedly useless hipster degree and you wake up one morning and decide that this isn't what you want... you have no bloody clue what it is you actually want, but this life is definitely NOT it! Admittedly I don't currently have the perfect life to nurture a successful future in that or any industry... crumbling parental relationships, less-than-perfect living conditions, flat broke and generally depressed, I have no actual reason to get out of bed in the morning, let alone get dressed and make my way to an insanely overpopulated school with 80 other overexcited students that make me want to vom... and punch them in the face... simultaneously.

Really and truly the one thing I actually want is to pack a bag and run away to a foreign country where no one so much as knows my name - it is THE dream. Unfortunately there is one little fly in the metaphorical ointment... a romance. Whereas a year or two ago running away and starting a whole new life would have been the perfect option - I now have someone to leave behind, and as much as I wished and hoped for this to be just a fling, despite all the circumstances, it most certainly is not.  Its the kind of head over heels disgusting love that you hear about in the movies, or from that 'friend' you no longer like because she spends all her time with her boyfriend... yes people, I have become the thing I hated the most... and I love it!!

However, despite amazing man with whom I am slowly building a half decent life, there are still colleges to finish and jobs to find, and while that happens there are certainly some fireworks (and not the pretty kind), tempers are flaring and words are being spoken, the latest which was actually tonight, about twenty minutes ago in fact - which brings me back to here. Talking to myself on an unread blog wondering will I ever really be happy here? Will I ever resent him for making me stay? Will I regret it if I leave? The wanderlust in me is quieted by the girlfriend in me.

I haven't the guts to live my life without him, I definitely don't want to leave enough to leave without him, and he definitely won't be coming anywhere with me, not for now at least. So here I am, with a crappy job, a crappy house, and a crappy life but one perfect relationship that makes everything else worth while. The only thing about that is, what about me? Will I ever realise my dreams? What if I do realise them and then realise that I don't actually have the same dreams anymore... God knows I wish I was one of those people who grew up dreaming to be someone or something... but I kind of just grew up trying to cope with life, with myself and most of all with my brain - who seems to be on a constant mission to try and screw me over. Damn you brain! Whilst all of this coping and fighting was happening, I was just kind of at school - getting by, not really loving it and not really giving a crap but just doing it anyways - and then I wake up and realise that school is just NOT my thing, at all. I don't want to be a listless housewife for the rest of my days, I want to be successful, I want to be great at something... anything.


The problem is... what?

-N.H x

The Ninth Year

To my dearest angel,

Today marks the ninth year of your new life. The ninth year since you became my guardian and protector. The amulet beside my heart. The unseen cloak of protection.  I would give up all the riches and wealth in the world if only it meant I could see you one last time. If only it meant you could hold me, like only a mother can hold her child. I sit here, tears streaming down my face wondering what if? What if you hadn't had to leave? What if you could have stayed with me, helped me through my hard times. Would I have made you proud? Have I made you proud?  I wish you were here longer. Long enough to teach me how you brighten up the room on even your darkest days, to teach me how you love until it hurts so much, that there is no longer any hurt left to feel, only love. 

No words can describe how much it hurts not to have you near me, and I wouldn't wish such a distressing loss on my worst enemy. Today nine years ago was the first time I mustered up the courage to come and visit you in hospital, and today nine years ago was the last time I was to cross paths with my birth mother. The image of you sitting on a blue leather arm chair, sick, dying, emaciated, yellow - but strong, even in the face of all adversity will burn in my mind forever. You were, are and always will be the strongest person I know, my hero - everything that I am or hope to become I owe to you. I was so lucky to have a mother like you, even if for a short while. You never gave up on me, even before I was born you fought for me, you risked your life so you could have me, and against all odds - here I am nineteen years later writing you this letter, hoping that someway or somehow you will read it. 

You are the most incredible and inspiring woman I have ever met and I owe you everything! I love you with all my heart and I miss you with every fibre of my being. You are and always will be my angel.

Infinite love and prayers coming your way - wherever you are! 

Your daughter.

-N.H x