My last post was over a month ago, and unfortunately, I had what seemed to be a bit of a writers block. My dashboard is hoarded with drafts and ideas that I need to throw out or recycle, but alas, tonight i'm back... and I want to rant and rave about the insidious effect that cravings have on the spirit...
I am not going to generalize. I am not in anyway talking about that trivial craving one has for a chocolate bar, or for a cigarette. I'm talking about real, gut wrenching cravings. Sexual cravings, cravings for desire, passion, life. That is what people are most deprived of nowadays, that is what people need.
I am the first of my friends to find myself easily lulled into the monotony of a normal day, and I think to myself everyday as I wake up that I need to do at least one thing a day that scares me, it keeps the heart healthy. But that's about as far as my motivation goes, until i'm 5 minutes late to class and use the teachers lift instead of taking the stairs, or smoke my in between lesson cigarette inside the basement as opposed to the parking lot, and there it goes, the largest amount of adrenaline I'll manage to muster up for that day, if not that week.
But that's not what I want. That's not how i'm going to live my life, and ill be damned if i'm the person who brings me down. (N.B. this is a self motivating post, so I may comment to my alter ego every once in a while, bear with me.)
I want to be the kind of girl who has that spark in her eyes, that flint of spontaneity. I want to have sex in bathrooms, on desks, in elevators, in libraries. I want to try new things, drugs, parties, clubs. I want to stuff a whole packet of cigarettes in my mouth and light them at once, and smoke them at once. I want to be in concerts, I want to dance and feel music, I want to cry with joy, I want to be in danger. Out of my comfort zone. I want to be naked in different countries, I want to feel cold, slowly making its way up my spine, i want to swim in freezing cold oceans and surf and climb and jump. I want to write. I want to travel, I want to feel, to live, I want to be the girl who can look back on her life and wander, not wonder. I want to think about my youth and remember what I've done, the laws I've defied, the rules I've broken. I want to let nothing stand in my way.
I want to have glorious orgasms. I want to have that feeling where you forget all your problems, like when you're on a cliff and you imagine yourself jumping off and landing in the sea, that feeling of freedom, of letting go of worries and troubles, I want to escape. Not from heartbreak, or pain, because those are things that shape you, things that teach you, I want to escape from all the things that hold me back, I want to leave all my fears behind. Everyone has an ideal self, someone that they spend their whole life working toward being, some people dream of being rich, famous, smart, successful, healthy. I dream of being free. This is what I crave for everyday, adventure, risk. Its harder then it seems unfortunately, it takes effort to leave your comfort zone, but when you do it's worth it.
I leave you with a little piece of advice. Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words. Never let anyone get in your way.
...with this, I bid you adieu. :)
Keep on keepin' on :)
-N.H x
So it seems these days, my greatest muse and the roots of my best works derive from pure, unadulterated anguish. - Author Unknown
