Say it for me, say it to me and i'll leave this life behind me.

My last post was over a month ago, and unfortunately, I had what seemed to be a bit of a writers block. My dashboard is hoarded with drafts and ideas that I need to throw out or recycle, but alas, tonight i'm back... and I want to rant and rave about the insidious effect that cravings have on the spirit...

I am not going to generalize. I am not in anyway talking about that trivial craving one has for a chocolate bar, or for a cigarette. I'm talking about real, gut wrenching cravings. Sexual cravings, cravings for desire, passion, life. That is what people are most deprived of nowadays, that is what people need.

I am the first of my friends to find myself easily lulled into the monotony of a normal day, and I think to myself everyday as I wake up that I need to do at least one thing a day that scares me, it keeps the heart healthy. But that's about as far as my motivation goes, until i'm 5 minutes late to class and use the teachers lift instead of taking the stairs, or smoke my in between lesson cigarette inside the basement as opposed to the parking lot, and there it goes, the largest amount of adrenaline I'll manage to muster up for that day, if not that week.
But that's not what I want. That's not how i'm going to live my life, and ill be damned if i'm the person who brings me down. (N.B. this is a self motivating post, so I may comment to my alter ego every once in a while, bear with me.)

I want to be the kind of girl who has that spark in her eyes, that flint of spontaneity. I want to have sex in bathrooms, on desks, in elevators, in libraries. I want to try new things, drugs, parties, clubs. I want to stuff a whole packet of cigarettes in my mouth and light them at once, and smoke them at once. I want to be in concerts, I want to dance and feel music, I want to cry with joy, I want to be in danger. Out of my comfort zone. I want to be naked in different countries, I want to feel cold, slowly making its way up my spine, i want to swim in freezing cold oceans and surf and climb and jump. I want to write. I want to travel, I want to feel, to live, I want to be the girl who can look back on her life and wander, not wonder. I want to think about my youth and remember what I've done, the laws I've defied, the rules I've broken. I want to let nothing stand in my way.

I want to have glorious orgasms. I want to have that feeling where you forget all your problems, like when you're on a cliff and you imagine yourself jumping off and landing in the sea, that feeling of freedom, of letting go of worries and troubles, I want to escape. Not from heartbreak, or pain, because those are things that shape you, things that teach you, I want to escape from all the things that hold me back, I want to leave all my fears behind. Everyone has an ideal self, someone that they spend their whole life working toward being, some people dream of being rich, famous, smart, successful, healthy. I dream of being free. This is what I crave for everyday, adventure, risk. Its harder then it seems unfortunately, it takes effort to leave your comfort zone, but when you do it's worth it.

I leave you with a little piece of advice. Let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions louder than your words. Never let anyone get in your way.

...with this, I bid you adieu. :)
Keep on keepin' on :)

-N.H x

What's worth the price is always worth the fight.

I don't know how people say that life is short. Life is the longest damn thing you will ever do. The shitty thing about it is that one day, your might just realize that the better part of your life is over, and you haven't done anything to make it even remotely interesting. So it goes without saying that one should create a bucket list. Either as motivation to do all the things they want to do, or a detrimental reminder that they were too pedestrian to get off their arse and make the effort to go against the grain.

I choose the former, not only because i'm still barely 18, but because I refuse to let myself become an epitome of regret, turned sour because I cannot bear the thought of not having done at least one thing abnormal in my whole long bitter life. And because knowing me, and the indecisiveness that comes with the package, I am pledging to you that by the end of my life, I will have done ALL the things on this list. However crazy, outlawed and no matter how illicit such lists are considered. 

I am of course joking, my list is about as unexciting as randomly walking into a class and realized you have a pop quiz.

Whatever, My list changes everyday and new things are added and removed quite frequently, so i'll just post the most important ones.

1. Get a tattoo.
2. Own a walk in closet - and have a nap in it.
3. Make a sex tape.
4. Spin a globe, point my finger at a random country with my eyes closed - and travel to wherever it lands.
5. Learn how to surf.
6. Go on a road trip.
7. Work in a cafe in Amsterdam.
8. Own a pair of Louboutins 
9. Live in California.
10. Learn  how to roll a joint.
11. Live in New York.
12. Hug a monkey.
13. Spend a week taking photos with a Polaroid camera.
14. Skydive , Bungee Jump, Para glide (etc.)
15. Date someone with dreads. 
16. Crowd surf.
17. Bake hash brownies.
18. Spend a whole day naked with a hot guy at your side.
19. Eat a macaroon.
20. Be in a flash mob.
21. Try on a Vera Wang wedding dress.
22. Make out in a library.
23. Ride on a motorcycle.
24. Swim with sharks.
25. Stretch my earrings..
26. Skinny Dip
27. Eat a Krabby Patty.
28. Stand underneath a waterfall.
29. Try an Afghan.
30. Ride an elephant.
31. Have sex while trapped in an elevator.
32. Find love.

...It's quite ridiculous but I find most of these things thoroughly amusing.

-N.H x

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullaby's. Choking on your alibis. But it's just a price I pay. Destiny is calling me. Open up my eager eyes.

Im not a mushy type of girl. Im sure you realized, i don't give a flying kite about other people's feelings, and I much less care for mine, so it's a rare occasion to see me post about such ludicrous matters, but what happened to me these past few days are by far more melodramatic than the time Kris Humphries pushed Kim Kardashian into the Tahitian seas and she dropped a $75,000 diamond earring.

yes, that bad.

I don't even know how this started, and I don't even want to go into it, because I've decided to be considerate in this blog, so i'm going to make this generic. What I really want to romp and rage about is love.
I'm not even joking. I never thought something so threadbare and adage could come out of my mouth... or fingers, whatever. I just never realized how you could feel something so intense for a person, how you can give them the ability to rip you open, and get inside you. Walk the halls of your dark and twisted mind with you, feel your pain, wear the weight of your world on their shoulders with you, and then just leave.

I've heard a million times how love is giving someone the ability to break your heart, and trusting them not to.  But they forgot to mention what happens after love, after people master the ability, and lose the feeling, the intensity. So that all you're left with is a person , who knows you inside out and who has the abominable power to destroy you - and the motive to.

How can someone walk into your life, love you and leave you? How can someone have the heart to know what breaks you, and use it against you. A person you trusted with your whole heart and soul - someone you gave yourself to, not physically - but emotionally... how can this person even muster up the courage to assault, bash, beat and bruise you so viciously, so irreparably, that you're left to pick up the shattered pieces of your psyche and find the inner strength to start to glue them together piece by broken piece. So that maybe, in  time, when the hurt begins to heal, and seeing him doesn't want to make you torpedo his face with your bare fist...maybe, you might begin to look for love again.


I'm slowly starting to learn how there are two sides to every person. The same person that shouts your name with such fervor and enthusiasm one day, will be the person shooting daggers at you with his eyes the next. And the godawful feeling you get when you realize that it is with those same eyes that this person got to look at you and know you in such depth and such profundity that you never thought anything bad could happen to you, when you were still headstrong about your relationship. How can you walk past this person, the same person you bore your naked soul to, and act like nothing ever happened? Its unnatural.

It seems alien to me, the concept of love. Even though I've felt it, I don't know what it is. I can define it, I can use all the long words in the dictionary - but it's about as useful as trying to fit the ocean in a glass. Love is such a vast term that you can't find an all-encompassing definition to fit everyone. You have your own love, just as I have mine. People have looked far and wide for the meaning of love, it's the one thing on everyone's bucket list. It's such a mystical and cryptic emotion that you will spend your whole life looking for it, and most people never actually find love. They're just so scared to admit to themselves the possibility of having lived a life without love, that they almost always settle for second best. People almost always deserve more. Which is why it is so precious and rare when you do find love in a person, the hurtful, painful, exciting, impassioned love. You would think that when you find such a thing, you would hold on to it with all your might. You would put all your power and invest all your energy into that love, and you would never stop loving. So it is even more perplexing to me, when people, and by people of course I mean me, find that love that everyone hunts so desperately for, and you let it slowly slip through your fingers, like it was the easiest thing it the world for you.

Love isn't about giving people the ability to hurt you, it isn't about letting people get to know you, and it isn't about trusting people. Love is when this person who you know and trust will hurt you, so deeply and so unimaginably so that you feel like a wave just washed over you and swept you away and you're being forced underwater and the air is escaping out of your lungs -and you're losing consciousness, you're drowning in all the pain he caused you, you feel numb to everything else, and although you know you should fight harder to get to the surface, you don't seem to want to, for fear of losing him. When you are hurt, tormented and shattered so badly, but at the end, you still try and pick yourself up, dust yourself off and brace yourself for more pain. Because you just don't want to live without that person in your life, because you can't imagine him not in your life.

THAT is what love is- going back to the person you love over and over and over, even when you can't breathe, or take the pain anymore, even when he's taken all of you, you still love him.

Love is unconditional.

-N.H x

I heart hearting it.

Yeah. Still too lazy to vlog. HOWEVER, I have not left you yearning.

http://weheartit.com/navyheels

voila! - weheartit - as they say. A picture is worth a thousand words, and this <3 thing has tickled my fancy. Considering I can't sort out my accent for long enough to post a video on youtuuube, and exams are actually getting closer, i'm shortening the process. (don't worry, I will become compulsive when it's closer to actual exams. after all, it will be your first birthday, oh blog. /thumbs up on oldest blog i've ever owned. YAY)
I shall post a rant soon, all these adolescent pictures are sending hormones raging through my body. and you know that just makes you wanna rant.)

Well, off to heart thingies. (im so pro. i even have the little heart on my chrome.)

Follow and whatnot! :)

-N.H x